Me too!
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Randomize
