i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
