I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
