I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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