I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
