If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
