I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
