So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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