When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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