I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
