i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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