The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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