You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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