he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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