im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
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