I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
