no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
