Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I just gift wrapped bread.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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