i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
