i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
