Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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