The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
