If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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