i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
