break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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