You kept calling me your small dog last night.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
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We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
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The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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