i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
