saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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