Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
