I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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