i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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