I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
