mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
