filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
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My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
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I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I did not marry a roomba.
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