It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
