Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
