I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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