I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
