I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
