also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
