A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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