Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
