I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Randomize
