he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
