he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
