What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
