She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
