I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
