i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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