look no pants
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
