4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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