The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Randomize
