Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
